I thought a few months would pass and grief would dilute into a subtly that texturized moments of loneliness. That it would flare up within isolated occasions and subside through acceptance. That I could settle into the dream state where memories, both fond and difficult, shared a cherished timeline. The inevitability of losing a parent was supposed to be its own preparation.
At thirteen I watched my father lose his. Traumatized, myself, by the death, I was shocked out of boyhood with the kissing of my grandfather’s cold forehead. I would convulse over the loss well into my adolescence. I began consoling my father, not understanding the concept of parenting a parent but recognizing his transformation. He cried at the kitchen table, in the dead of the night.
Dad trusted me. My emotional capacity expanded over decades. In his most difficult moments his vulnerability was our bond. And although I would listen, I could not understand. The latter half of his life was riddled with an unprecedented melancholy. Surrounded by the fruits of his labour, he was adored by a community. Married to my beautiful mother with my siblings and I carrying out our lives as extensions to their legacy.
And yet I would hold him heartbroken and he would say, I just miss my Dad.
Somehow for 27 years the plot beside Grandpa in the Kennedy Community Cemetery remained vacant. Dad was laid to rest beside him.
I thought a few months would pass and grief would be obscured by the joys of my little boy. That I would have my nights or a tough morning. That my work could demand my focus and my father’s support would be felt from the other side.
But all that makes sense is how a seventy year old man can cry into his son’s arms because he misses his Dad.
I am envious of you.....missing your Dad.My relationship with mine was not one that a person would miss.Take care Blake and here is to better days ahead.
It’s so unexpected, that wash of grief coming out of nowhere. It doesn’t ever go away but it becomes less frequent and you move through it more easily.