It has been six months since Dad’s passing and somehow it feels like both six days and six years.
I have an unfair reaction to the attempts of others in their consolation. However, I can recognize the discomfort of not knowing what to say and thus leaning on clichés in the process. Unfortunately, they mainly reflect one’s attempt to avoid deeply tuning into the power of grief. Also, with no two experiences the same, it makes understanding another’s encounter virtually impossible to internalize.
“Don’t make any big decisions”
Dad’s death hit like an earthquake. It brought all that was to the ground. This allowed space to let go of all that did not serve. It offered a new lens on expended energy. With only a finite amount to offer the first to go were stagnant friendships. At least, an understanding of how much to give to the relationships that were influencing my mindset. As cold as it may come off, admittedly, there is a list we keep in these times. It’s a visceral one defying understanding or want. Everyone is lined up to the chopping block and pardons are sparring. Compassion lands on immediate relations that share the familial loss but from there a greater force makes the difficult decisions. There are no announcements, just silent good-byes. The ones that remain are the ones to double down on.
Next comes conditionings and belief systems. My most tormenting thought being “where is my Dad?” This, in its most literal interpretation. I watched a flash of light bless the room twice hours before his last breath. Like a welder’s arc or metal in the microwave, a phenomenon experienced identically by the four of us in the room. From there my sister saw a glowing ball appear outside the hospital window, disappear, appear further away, disappear, appear yet further and become a lightning storm on the horizon. What was that? Where is he? The concept of heaven, loved ones waiting, an appearance at the gates, God in His glory…as we were taught, comes too simplistic. Like a dummy version of the afterlife told in an attempt to comfort. So where is my Dad?
Where am I?
Emotionally - moving forward. Tempering. Spiritually distraught and then rock solid. Torn apart and re-piecing. Questioning and then focusing. Being a husband and a father. Needing to create and wanting to provide. Over-intellectualizing and attempting to stay grounded. Parenting, writing, praying, training.
Physically - In a province that easily produces the most prolific artists, writers, bands and musicians that an international community has seen in decades, if not ever. We have organizations that make headway and a robust funding environment but government assistance in the arts should not have to be relied on and could easily be five times the amount with tenfold returns for the money they waste on padding the pockets of their donors…not to mention out of province ones.
But there is a massive void that needs filled. By as many that can say, I have something to offer. Something that’s unique and solves problems. Something that builds infrastructure and champions community. Something that inspires and is unapologetic. Something that stands in its integrity and is unshakable.
Yet, I look at my life and everything has changed.
So when everything changes, change everything.
Howdy Readers,
In the last couple weeks I have had the good fortune of an influx of paid subscribers claiming their free 20 song double LP - my new album, What’s Left of the Right. It was written and recorded prior to such massive changes on the family farm in Kennedy and in light of them, my message has only become more relevant within me.
I’ve continued to write the Where Have All My Horses Gone? series for paid subscribers with Part 8 being released in tandem with today’s When Everything Changes entry. Double drop. And I’ll tell ya what - I’m gonna start putting some songs out for those that have that new record expected in the mail.
This is the campaign leading into its release and I’m grateful for how it has been received. The upgrade in subscriptions has allowed for a full-length music video to edge towards completion as well as a few more announcements that are coming down the pike.
My friends, if you have been connected to my stories and have the resources to support please consider a paid subscription. I will reach out and put you in my spreadsheet to receive the new record for free, no strings attached.
And lastly - the double vinyl release party tickets are moving for our Darke Hall show with Belle Plaine and Lachlan Neville on Friday, February 2. And if I have anything to do with it, it’s gonna be a sell-out. Walk down the street, come in off the farm, or fly into town. The evening is going to be a banger.
Much Love,
BB